Film Review: “Buraddo” – A look back at why we shouldn’t look back

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A Look Back: “Buraddo” (2009)
English Title: Blood
Review by: Ifakoya English

 

BEHOLD! One of the most boring vampire movies ever made!

I should have known this movie was going to be boring since it had a blander title than “Monster Girls Squad” but being that I got a kick out of movies with much simpler titles like “Q’ I decided I might as well give it a fair trial. That was a mistake pure and simple. I mean REALLY simple.

BlOOD seems to think it’s approaching some philosophical questions that weren’t really questions at the point of its release. This film was adapted from a screenplay written by Shigenori Takechi and directed by Ten Shimoyama. He was the one behind Shinobi: Heart under Blade which from the things I’ve seen from him happens to his ONLY really good movie. His TV directions have been delightful, but the movies I’ve seen that he directed are pretty much awful.

You see the film goes as thus:

Bland vampire lady (played by the beautiful Aya Sugimoto) manages to enthrall bland Japanese cop (played by Kanji Tsuda, who I seem to encounter a lot) but her bland ex-boyfriend (played by “Oh my god! Why am I even here!?” Jun Kaname) who happened to once be a bland samurai takes mild offense. Sorry. I meant he takes no offense, but he seems to be that one kid who doesn’t want other kids touching his action figures even though he doesn’t really care about them and kind of left them there, but if someone else has them he doesn’t want them to, because they were his, but he didn’t care, but they were his. This leads to bland samurai boyfriend fighting with bland cop over bland vampire lady in one of the blandest fights ever.

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[OH LOOK HE’S REMEMBERING THINGS! CUE THE BARBARA STREISAND!]

That is about it. Our main villain spends a majority of the film stylin’ n profilin’ and brooding over the woman he…kind of left. I don’t know why that would be a good choice. The vampire woman is hot, rich, immortal, REALLY STUPID and with all of the…Ahem…“love” in this movie it’s hard to say there was anything wrong with the picture. Sure she was blander than packing peanuts, but so is he so there is no good reason for him to have left her. The reason given is just stupid.

The most I can say is that the vampires in this movie are vampires. This even by 2009 was a really tall order to fill. I mean VAMPIRES COMBUST In this movie! It has been a long time since I’ve seen vampire’s actually combust in movies, and actually act like vampires. Granted these vampires aren’t the most intelligent vampires to be portrayed on film, but at least they know what they are. Th fight choreography is good, but that is standard at this point.

Back to the bad things, the soundtrack is really unremarkable, though most of the music you hear is kind of drowned out by moaning. There is LOTS of that in this movie, and I don’t mean moaning of pain since it seems all the characters are impervious too it except our main hero, who feels it, but doesn’t care. No, I mean MOANING.

[I asked myself that question too many times throughout this movie.]

It actually pains me to say that I hate this movie. I know that each and every one of the actors could give better performances and that maybe they were trying but damn I’ve seen extras from Sy-fy movies give more emotional performances. Okay…that is a little harsh, but that is what I felt while watching it. HALF of this movie is just staring, not even good staring. There are like three types of stares in this movie which are:

  1. “I hate you, I want to kill you..maybe.”
  2. “TRY TO STAY AWAKE!”
  3. “So….sex?”

It all leads up to a final battle scene which is only a little awesome because one dude is fighting with a gladius, but is quickly ruined as soon as the antagonist decides to talk. The antagonist seems to be only able to spew out the “Boo-hoo I’m a vampire with awesome power, massive amounts of fortune, the ability to never age, never die, and never be punished for my crime!” thing that vampires movies like to annoyingly do. Everyone except our main actor who decides to try and give a performance here looks exceptionally bored.

There are some predictable plot devices used in the last thirty minutes or so of this movie. There are pointless flashbacks, pointless sacrifices, pointless yelling, pointless staring, and in the end a bland, and pointless conclusion.

This movie did suck, and if you missed it you certainly missed nothing.

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