Anime Review: “Zettai Shougeki: Platonic Heart” – we must be honest

Zettai Shōgeki-Puratonikku Hāto-book-cover

 Review by: Ifakoya English

….What in nine circles of implausible hell is this? Clearly the existence of this can really only be explained by saying that it was meant to be a weapon. A weapon that someone was developing in order to combat some ancient dark wizard that threatened to destroy the world, and they showed him this in order to drive him away. Really, there is no way anyone thought this would be a good idea. Well, okay, Manga Entertainment probably loved it…but they are pure evil.

Now, I knew next to nothing of “Zettai Shōgeki: Puratonikku Hāto” or  Platonic Heart” when I first ordained to watch it. I had heard a few whisperings of  “…man that sucked,” and “what sort of monkey wrote it?” But I often hear those terms that I disregarded them and simply decided to see for myself. I wasn’t even aware this was based off some video game I have never heard of, and have still never seen. I’m no stranger to the obscure though and figured why not? Anime normally has a good track record for adapting anything from books, to TOYS, to…less appropriate media. Key word is normally. This is an…abnormal case. I honestly thought it was going to be a lower grade Ikki Tousen, which is pretty low grade anyway so I figured it’d be bad, but not all that bad. I was wrong. I hate being wrong. I actually learned this anime shares the same DIRECTOR as the same guy who gave us Ikki Tousen: Xtreme Xecutor. If only I had known that before I watched it….

So this anime happens to be what would happen if the Care-Bears ran a Mortal Kombat tournament that was sponsored by Lilith Soft. (Do not look them up) Now, I know that sounds awesome, but the product we got is far less appealing and hilarious. You see…one day two friends go walking down the street, simply having fun like any normal pair of girls until they come across the extremely peculiar site of a shrine maiden fighting with an air-stewardess. (Yep. You just read that) One of the girls is Aya Iseshima. Aya is quite the little ass-kicker [That term is now more literal than I wish it was] because her mother also happens to be a fighter. This turned out to be a bad move because this was no ordinary fight between a random ninja shine maiden and a nearly naked ninja Air-stewardess, nooo, THIS WAS A BATTLE FOR THE PLANTOIC HEART! [..yeah that’s pretty dumb]  Yes the platonic heart, an artifact that grants only a single wish. It can also only be obtained by females. That is why women are fighting over it. In all honesty though I do think that even if it were open to men none would enter because they would be fighting over something called the PLATONIC HEART. Any man who went for it would either be….no….there would be no good reason for any man to fight over it. There’s no good reason for women to fight over it. Yeah, so she interrupts this fight to save the “I don’t care about her name” shrine maiden who was fighting because she wanted friends and they become friends at McDonalds and then “I still don’t care about her name” shrine maiden vanished forcing Aya to join this tournament because she wants to risk her life for the girl she has known for less than an hour. The horror ensues after that.

Zettai Shōgeki-Puratonikku Hāto-book-image

[POWER GLOVE BITCHES!]

There are five OVA (original video adaptation) episodes and all of them suck. This anime seems to be a little old school as they have to pull tricks to make it seem like there is plenty of animation. They scroll and pan a great many static frames. There are quadruple panes when they want to somewhat show off a certain aspect, and the action….I get more action dropping rocks in a pond. There’s more that warrants the hatred as backgrounds are boring and bland, to the point where I even thought they were just single color, it just looks BAD and I mean BAD, and there is an annoying hazy filter as if they were trying to cover up how vile this anime actually looks.

They do attempt to cover this up by throwing plenty of panty shots, ass shots, boob shots, and the always welcome crotch shot in an attempt to draw one’s mind away from the low quality. It appears they were unaware that these things look terrible when your anime is LOW QUALITY!

Zettai Shōgeki-Puratonikku Hāto-book-image2

[She looks as bored and sad as I did.]

 

The voice acting and music are…adequate. The opening and ending themes are what I’d play to instill fear in my victims before I kill them if I happened to be a serial killer.

This anime is a stain on the record of anyone who worked on it, watched it, and whatever else pertains to it. This anime makes some of the worst anime I’ve seen look like absolute masterpieces worthy of praise by every being on the planet. Clearly this anime was proposed only because when the creators tried to submit it as porn it was rejected because it was TOO bad [And being that we know what Japan is capable of, that is saying something]. So they edited out all the probably yuri sex scenes and repackaged it as an actual anime. It’s not even ultra-violent anime which would have at least given it one redeeming quality. It has all the classic anime mistakes, but none of the charm. It has boobs that bounce for no reason, and seem be sentient. It has people with the ability to punch so hard that it immediately causes clothes to start rotting away, and yet no marks are left on the skin!

At the end of it….crappy revelations. Very crappy revelations.

Anime Title: “Zettai Shōgeki: Puratonikku Hāto” (2008)

English Title: Zettai Shougeki: Platonic Heart
Written By: Atshushi Kuragami
Anime Licensed By: Funimation / Manga Entertainment / Madman Entertainment
Manga Published by: Futabasha
Manga Run: September 2008 – January 2010

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